Slippery Grip

"I felt my edges start to slip . . ."
"It's just a fear, unnamed
We shouldn't have to do this to ourselves
We shouldn't have to do it this way . . ."

--Ellery

Today I am tired, a little unsure about life in general, joyful yet pained in my soul. My head is swirling, and I sometimes just don't know how to process it all. What to do, how to react, to one of my women who is dying, but doesn't want me to come see her bacause I am a foreigner and she is still so afraid of the stigma from the community. She's dying, and I know that and I ache to hold her hand, to tell her again of the only Hope there is. I want her to know that so desperately, to not spend these last days, weeks, eternity itself in fear. And thinking about the great big huge gaping "What's next?" question. Wondering how I can ever reconcile my two worlds, how I can bear to not be a part of either of them. Yet not for a moment wanting to not have had the chance to love and be loved, to share in the great joy of walking through life alongside others in these places. There's a lot more, but that's my bit of honesty for the day. I'm not honest enough--with myself, with my Father, with the people in my life. Is that driven by fear? Yes, probably. I'm so glad that His perfect love can drive out ALL fear--of death, of uncertainty, of loneliness, of heartache, of doubt. I am glad that one day I will understand that in a way I don't now.
On a much lighter note, today I had a chest x-ray (I am fine to all of you who are freaking out right now!!) and it cost me less than $10 US. What??!! That's crazy. When I had that dumb foot surgery a while back my total bill was like $4000 dollars, and I think a couple hundred of that was the 3 xrays I had on the offending appendage. The healthcare system is, well, not really a system at all here. It's a constant struggle to work with, to wish there was more. But today it was nice to only pay 10 bucks for 2 x-rays!